my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
this just has baby written all over it
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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