oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
you never un-have a 4some
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
