He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Randomize
