I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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