I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Randomize
