her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I AM VODKA MAN
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
