You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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