I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
