Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
