Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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