Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
