I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
