I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
She told me I should be a condom model.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
