i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
