he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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