Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Randomize
