If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
