I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
