If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize