I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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