we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize