my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
do nipples grow back?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
