Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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