My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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