Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
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