did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
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