i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
