we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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