Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
