false alarm. still invincible.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
