And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
