im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
