I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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