ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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