that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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