I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
