I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
