Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
