dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
