She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
