the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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