you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
