make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
