Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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