Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
This is my gift to your gina
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
