totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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