I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
