when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
