There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
