party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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