just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
