He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
