She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I checked into jail on foursquare
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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