babies were throwing up all over the place
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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