Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
