You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
