and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
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