oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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