im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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