The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
