I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
You smell like stripper and shame
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
