She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Randomize
